My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.