My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
You Might Also Like
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
No chill.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Trying
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.