My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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