My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood