Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup