My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*