My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

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The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”


Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay


Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?


OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”


I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.


God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?




God: *creates dogs*


By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.