My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%


[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!


This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.


My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.


People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how


interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to


Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)


The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.


Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.