When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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My girlfriend is:
– super sweet
– light as a feather
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Me: ok lil bit
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card