@Darlainky

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

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@ShootyDoody

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

@CopBroughtPizza

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

@Cycloptomese

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

@thatdutchperson

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

@coolauntV

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@samalmightysam

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

@BoomBoomBetty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.