My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Raisins are grape jerky.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.