My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-