@Parkerlawyer

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

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@slaughthie

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

@pilau

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

@Mirimade

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

@Darlainky

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

@MrsGoose69

Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”

@rickolantern

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

@Tmoney68

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*