@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

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@RandiLawson

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

@ryanyeetz

look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

@_troyjohnson

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.

@junejuly12

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.