My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
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Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“TGIM!” – My liver
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”