My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

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Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what


Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]


Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!


You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]


I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.


“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event


her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?


Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.


“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul