@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

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@mean_spice

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

@GrantTanaka

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

@Robbie_Cakes

Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!

@ozzyunc

You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]

@skittle624

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

@kennyflorian

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

@lazy_joe_

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS