My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Terribly Tuesday.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.