My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The honesty is refreshing
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.