My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Watermelon Boss!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.