My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

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The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.


Interviewer: what’s ur biggest flaw?

Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people

I: but ur resume is impeccable

M: I think u mean unpeccable


I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.


Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”


I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …


I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.


I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.