@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

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@KeatonPatti

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s ur biggest flaw?

Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people

I: but ur resume is impeccable

M: I think u mean unpeccable

@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@robfee

If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.

@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

@andiedandie0

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.