Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast