My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
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The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
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