My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.