My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.

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Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.


[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family


Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.


[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)


I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world


Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.


[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*


Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.


The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.