@StellaGMaddox

My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.

You Might Also Like

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

@WheelTod

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

@internetluke

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

@frogshack

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

@FrenulumBreve

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

@ThisOneSayz

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

@realfunghi

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.