@3sunzzz

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

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@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@ThatBrenna

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

@PinkCamoTO

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

@GeorgeBray

Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs.

@juliussharpe

I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.

@Book_Krazy

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

@perlhack

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

@SICKOFWOLVES

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

@unrealRichardC

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation