3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs.
I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Me: He seems nice…
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Me: random axe of kindness
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Beep beep beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation