@jellybnbonanza

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

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@batkaren

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

@RunOldMan

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

@david8hughes

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

@RexHuppke

I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.

@theNuzzy

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@BoozieEyedJoe

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

@lilijohnsonxx

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met