My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale