My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]