My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.