My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.