@AlmightyBored

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

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@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

@AristotlesNZ

First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?

@gengen874

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

@SJKSalisbury

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@WheelTod

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

@AliKolbert

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

@KieranSoFar

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

@summermaplewood

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo