My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.


Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.


When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?


*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-


FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind


If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream


My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I’m now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.


Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie


Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”


Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”