My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
i did the math
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE