My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Husband of the year 😂
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Wake me when AI does housework
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.