My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Love it! 👍😂
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment