Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.