My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born


Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac


‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.


Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap


[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.


Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN


If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.


H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.