My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Mornin
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
How to draw a duck
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.