@toujours_fab

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

You Might Also Like

@AndrewChamings

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

@KissabiX

Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

@sofarrsogud

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

@torlangi_danish

Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

@david8hughes

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

@SimplySnaccbar

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

@neiltyson

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.