My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink