with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Note to self: I am a note
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
A drum solo but on your face.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.