@Darlainky

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

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@ericacanrant

911? Yes, I was making donuts and… yes, donuts… yes, I’ll hold. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE FAST!

@JediGigi

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

@Laser_Cat

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@liv_thatsme

I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.

@NCSox

Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”

@dorsalstream

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

@fro_vo

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening