911? Yes, I was making donuts and… yes, donuts… yes, I’ll hold. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE FAST!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*inflates emergency mustache*
Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.
Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening