My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
When I snag the last meatball.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Oh, I bet you would be
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.