My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

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The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.


genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left

Geppetto: I want a real boy

genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?


Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.


I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.


If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.


[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”


so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha


Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense


Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”