My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
i did the math
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies