My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
You Might Also Like
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician