My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”