@JustBeingEmma

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

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@ArfMeasures

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

@JimmerThatisAll

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

@CAshmanActor

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

@handokotjung

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@Lisa_Laughs_

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

@roxiqt

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread