My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?


Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.


interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle


“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”


How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.


I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1


Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..


If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.


Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread