My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Sorry. Not sorry
Solving a traffic jam
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort