My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.


Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*


Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…


CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan


Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.


My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.


Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.


*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars


I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.


Me: Be back after lunch!

Boss: OK

Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*

*goes home, turns on baseball*