My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
how many bears make up a bear minimum