My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
You Might Also Like
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
wait.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore