@Bollingmargaret

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

- @Bollingmargaret

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@ch000ch

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

@QwertyJones3

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

@catzsparkles

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

@AdamTheLobster

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

@SladeWentworth

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

@HairyJew4Life

Me: Wanna go out?

Her: You’re not Black

Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.

Her: …

Me: That’s not why you like them?

@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU