Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.
Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.
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I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.
*Opens new metal detector*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Her: I’m really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?
Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.
When did you get electricity in your cave?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*