good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.