My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.


*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE


Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.


Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.


ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later


Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.


Her: I’m really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?


Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.

When did you get electricity in your cave?


At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*