How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
wtf is a larm clock?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Generation gap…
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
this is the best interaction on twitter
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.