My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what


I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?


My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.


Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.


The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.


(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*


1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.


Meant to tell my daughter “Good night, I love you,” but it came out as “Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit”


The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.