@_salt_n_lime

My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

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@ArfMeasures

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

@MartaEffing

I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?

@LetMeStart

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

@VibesBummer

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

@juneohara65

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

@geowizzacist

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

@DeepDarkFear

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

@nayele18

Meant to tell my daughter “Good night, I love you,” but it came out as “Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit”

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.