My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Blew my mind.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes