My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
How does one answer this?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.