@Parkerlawyer

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

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@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@peeznuts

Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed.

Bus full of children: They’ll be fine just throw em in there.

@shutupmikeginn

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@Contwixt

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I’ve ever travelled on

BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress

@SondraDeeMe

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

@Manali_Shetye5

Mom: can i borrow your laptop?
Me: *deletes history*
Me: *logs out of twitter*
Me: *closes chrome*
Me: *opens internet explorer*
Me: sure