[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”
So I put them in a vase of water.
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Local book store has a shop #cat with a lot of personality…
apple music: here’s a song for you
spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”