@merewillis

My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.

#LastLaugh

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@pleatedjeans

[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read

@Ygrene

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

@xowenm

apple music: here’s a song for you

spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY

@daemonic3

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

@Try2StopME

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

@Julie_Cooker

Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.

@Skoogeth

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

@RobbieGramer

Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”