@merewillis

My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.

#LastLaugh

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@Bob_Janke

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

@TitansHomer

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

@drayzze

Random DM’s:

“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hello” – *blocked*
“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hey there” – *blocked*
*nudes* – *blocked*
“I have free snacks” – “Well hello there, soulmate!”

@MrMeeseechistic

There are 8 types of people in the world

-People who are A+
-People who are A-
-People who are B+
-People who are B-
-People who are AB+
-People who are AB-
-People who are O+
-People who are O-

@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell “ARF, ARF” like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth

@pyepar

Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night.

Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I’d come back after a month

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..