Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no