My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Cat.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it