My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no