@sarcasticmommy4

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

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@Brampersandon_

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

@meganamram

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW

@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@Terdoh

Quit bragging yo. Jesus drove a Honda back in Bible days and said nothing of it.

“For I speak not of my own accord” John 12:49 a.

@NYC_Blonde

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

@freedom2726

When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.

@PatsATweetin

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

@Disfordilaudid

Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”

@KimmyMonte

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

@impaulmccoy

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.