My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Hero horse inspires millions
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.