My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining