My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?